Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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