Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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