Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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