i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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