you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
