I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
