Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
