if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
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i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize