nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
