How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
