he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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