I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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