look no pants
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
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