We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
