I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
