Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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