I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
