i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
