I cannot find my penis.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
