Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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