Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
