He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
