Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
