i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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