chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Randomize