Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
