sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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