Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
