and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
