I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
