Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
