i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
