I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
