i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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