How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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