im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
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I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
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People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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