What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
