I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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