I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
