She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
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