She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
