Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
