I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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