My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
