Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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