i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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