My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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