If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
