An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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