Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
