when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
