i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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