Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
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