I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
