State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
