I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Randomize
