he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
